Ask Me How I’m Feeling: US Weekly’s Best of 2012

My dad is a doctor. He is my hero. He saves lives and listens to people’s problems, and for some reason every piece-of-crap magazine thinks that his home address is his office, so they send issue after STAR MELTDOWN issue, month after month. These are all good things. I would never ever spend real money […]

How To: Terrible Metaphors

Sometimes, you are in anguish. It could be that you saw a picture of your ex with another girl on Facebook, or that your fantasy football team has managed to win 110% of its games. Maybe your dog decided he hates you, maybe you just found out your entire family is planning on seeing Les […]

Interpreting Christmas Song Lyrics

  It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. I apologize for how little I’ve written this week, but I promise I have been writing other things. Hopefully you will see them on a bookshelf or in a toilet stall in the near future! Are there any Christmas carol lyrics that you never thought […]

Insulting Resulting

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is December 8th and I have a word document open that has all of the insults you guys have thrown (typed) at me during the last week. I’m proud to announce the three winners: 3rd place goes to Tiffany Seaman, who actually made me want to throw up and laugh […]

Ghosting

So, my esteemed writing colleague and I were having a rather hilarious conversation earlier about … death. Obviously. Everything you’ve heard about writers is true. We are awful. And we talk about death and we will drink all of your free coffee.* *This blogger takes no responsibility for what could be an outright lie. All […]

Open Letters from the Counting Crows Concert

Dear Couple Next to Me, I am not so good at concerts, probably because I grew up going to the Kennedy Center every few months to see the National Symphony Orchestra, and in the Kennedy Center there are throat lozenges available for people who think they might cough during performances, and coughing is frowned upon. […]

How To Keep Your Hair Pink

While Trying to Keep Emotionally Stable (based on a true story) The Thrilling Sequel to How To Dye Your Hair. So you got teary-eyed waiting in line for California Pizza Kitchen at the student center. That’s okay! At least there were no wildabeast-like sobs. No one noticed how, in your attempt to cover up said […]

Ask Me How I’m Feeling: Election 2012

Dear Diary, Elections Make Me Crazy!! When I was a freshman in high school, I decided I wanted to run for student government. The people involved were always running around with megaphones and capes, and I thought, “Hey, I’d be pretty darn good at wearing a cape and with my lung capacity, I don’t even […]