Sporknotes: The Insult

First of all, I don’t get to say this often, but thank you so much to those of you who have been insulting me this past week. It’s been a true joy logging into Facebook, getting excited about notifications, and then finding out that they are all about me being a vegan twig that never […]

How To: Pregnancy Tests

I have an announcement to make! I, Christina Marie Wolfgram III have been published. By an online art magazine that isn’t even run by my mom! My excitement is immeasurable, and I can imagine that I must look pretty rabid since the girl who was sitting next to me in the library put down all […]

It’s Okay To Hide

It’s Okay To Hide Under … Or at least, I think so. What do you hide under? (Also acceptable: forts, forts made out of blankets, forts made out of pasta, wine, mustaches, tattoos, bad haircuts, a gypsy lifestyle, lots of animals, one really big animal,stuffed animals, trees, poetry, plane tickets, fake tans, musicals, popular televisions […]

How to Gain Weight

I already told you, I think that you’re beautiful the way you are. After writing my post on How to Lose Weight, I realized I have so much MORE, perhaps even practical-er advice about health and life. So, here is another list. Like the previous one, it also came from my pink head. How to […]

How to Lose Weight

I think you are beautiful just the way you are, you know that right? But I want you to feel beautiful, too, and the holidays are descending upon us like the Apocalypse, causing everyone to break out the elastic waistband pants and flowy, over-sized shirts. So here are some lifestyle tips and tricks I have […]

Your Voice In My Head

“After the session, I stop in a department store to buy red lipstick I don’t need — all red lipstick is red lipstick, no red lipstick is needed. The man behind the NARS counter puts it on me … ‘It’s hard to tell what suits me at the moment because I’ve been crying a lot.’ […]

How To Keep Your Hair Pink

While Trying to Keep Emotionally Stable (based on a true story) The Thrilling Sequel to How To Dye Your Hair. So you got teary-eyed waiting in line for California Pizza Kitchen at the student center. That’s okay! At least there were no wildabeast-like sobs. No one noticed how, in your attempt to cover up said […]

Who I Am

Overshare Alert, but I have been going through so many changes lately. I don’t even mean my voice — I’m pretty sure that’s just about over. Any second now. My beautiful friend gave me some incredible advice when I was upset about heart-hurting earlier this week. She said, “Don’t hung up on what you are not. […]