How To: Terrible Metaphors

Sometimes, you are in anguish. It could be that you saw a picture of your ex with another girl on Facebook, or that your fantasy football team has managed to win 110% of its games. Maybe your dog decided he hates you, maybe you just found out your entire family is planning on seeing Les […]

A Contest

People have been so kind to me this week. I sincerely, truly, deeply, whole-heartedly appreciate your support. I joke around a lot, but I’m serious when I say that even little things like your ‘likes’ on Facebook keep me motivated. I can’t even talk about the comments and texts. Or I will cry. Happy tears, […]

Ghosting

So, my esteemed writing colleague and I were having a rather hilarious conversation earlier about … death. Obviously. Everything you’ve heard about writers is true. We are awful. And we talk about death and we will drink all of your free coffee.* *This blogger takes no responsibility for what could be an outright lie. All […]

How To: Pregnancy Tests

I have an announcement to make! I, Christina Marie Wolfgram III have been published. By an online art magazine that isn’t even run by my mom! My excitement is immeasurable, and I can imagine that I must look pretty rabid since the girl who was sitting next to me in the library put down all […]

Facebook Policy Change

There has been an awful lot of confusion about the new Facebook policy changes, and I want to set the record straight. I’ve seen quite a few statuses claiming copyright of a Facebook page, bladdy bladdy blah. Here is a real statement that I really posted on my Facebook for protection. Feel free to share, […]

Open Letters from the Counting Crows Concert

Dear Couple Next to Me, I am not so good at concerts, probably because I grew up going to the Kennedy Center every few months to see the National Symphony Orchestra, and in the Kennedy Center there are throat lozenges available for people who think they might cough during performances, and coughing is frowned upon. […]

Sporknotes: Willy Wonka Fashion

It’s Black Friday (no offense), and I wanted to write something about fashion in order to help you out in your quest for the perfect purchase. The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory provided a most scrumdiddlydumptious source of inspiration. I mean, check out Mike Teevee’s mom’s eye make-up! Delectable. The “Golden Ticket” Charlie […]

It’s Okay To Hide

It’s Okay To Hide Under … Or at least, I think so. What do you hide under? (Also acceptable: forts, forts made out of blankets, forts made out of pasta, wine, mustaches, tattoos, bad haircuts, a gypsy lifestyle, lots of animals, one really big animal,stuffed animals, trees, poetry, plane tickets, fake tans, musicals, popular televisions […]

A Love Letter

Dear Reader (Mom), Thank you so much for following my thoughts for the past few months (22 years, 6 months, and 2 days). It means more than I can describe that you read the silly things that I try to explain (ramble about) in clear, concise language (unintelligibly on the phone for two hours). I […]