Ask Me How I’m Feeling: US Weekly’s Best of 2012

My dad is a doctor. He is my hero. He saves lives and listens to people’s problems, and for some reason every piece-of-crap magazine thinks that his home address is his office, so they send issue after STAR MELTDOWN issue, month after month. These are all good things. I would never ever spend real money […]

A Les Miserable Review

WARNING: The following review contains SPOILERS and was written by someone whose only authority comes from four years of high school theatre. All questions, comments, and concerns can be directed to Hugh Jackmen. He’s my secretary, and he loves talking on the phone. Sacré blur, where do I begin? First of all, even though I […]

Sporknotes: Y2K

The following is nine year old Christina giving a minute to minute play-by-play of the turn of the century, when the world was supposed to end. This little gem from “Still December 31, 1999” is written on a giant piece of butterfly-shaped paper with pink lines. Apparently, it took me almost two hours to fill […]

How To: Terrible Metaphors

Sometimes, you are in anguish. It could be that you saw a picture of your ex with another girl on Facebook, or that your fantasy football team has managed to win 110% of its games. Maybe your dog decided he hates you, maybe you just found out your entire family is planning on seeing Les […]

Interpreting Christmas Song Lyrics

  It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. I apologize for how little I’ve written this week, but I promise I have been writing other things. Hopefully you will see them on a bookshelf or in a toilet stall in the near future! Are there any Christmas carol lyrics that you never thought […]

Insulting Resulting

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is December 8th and I have a word document open that has all of the insults you guys have thrown (typed) at me during the last week. I’m proud to announce the three winners: 3rd place goes to Tiffany Seaman, who actually made me want to throw up and laugh […]

Sporknotes: The Insult

First of all, I don’t get to say this often, but thank you so much to those of you who have been insulting me this past week. It’s been a true joy logging into Facebook, getting excited about notifications, and then finding out that they are all about me being a vegan twig that never […]