How to Lose Weight

I think you are beautiful just the way you are, you know that right?

But I want you to feel beautiful, too, and the holidays are descending upon us like the Apocalypse, causing everyone to break out the elastic waistband pants and flowy, over-sized shirts. So here are some lifestyle tips and tricks I have been mauling about in my cotton candy filled colored head.

How To Lose Weight

Make your choices based on nutrients. For example: Should I eat a Big Mac or a Fish Fillet? Well, the Big Mac has lettuce on it. Okay, maybe that’s not the best example. How about this: Should I have Lucky Charms or an egg for breakfast? Lucky Charms is made of 98% sugar and 2% cruelty towards leprechauns, while an egg has protein and takes effort to cook, thus burning calories. Do you see what I mean? By eating an egg instead of a cereal made to give children sugar seizures, you have automatically saved yourself from some unhealthiness, as well as that terrible scraped-mouth syndrome that comes from eating straight sweetness.

Cut the crap. Did you know one bagel has as many carbs as six slices of bread? Instead of eating a bagel everyday for lunch, limit yourself to one or two a week. Then you won’t have to stage a tearful goodbye, more like a “I’ll see you later.” Also, intentionally NOT buying high-calorie food automatically makes you lose a pound, so revel in that the next time you don’t order a bagel at Starbucks. (Crying burns calories, too! So crying in line helps.)

Pull a Freaky Friday. Switch a slightly less unhealthy thing in for a very unhealthy thing. For example: It is 8:30 in the morning and I want caffine. I usually get a frapaccino because it reminds me of a chocolate milkshake (spoiler alert: it IS a chocolate milkshake). Today I will get a “skinny” iced coffee! Bravo! Your heart will beat at a normal rate for the rest of the day AND you get to feel like a douchebag when you order!

Netflix. Do active things during an episode of a show. Even getting your heart rate up for just 20 minutes a few times a week (by moving around, not just by looking up your bank statement — I checked) is really good for you. Kelly Osbourne only exercises for 30 minutes a day, apparently, and she gets to work with Joan Rivers. I’m not sure if those two events are correlated, I just want to keep you informed.
– Starve yourself. Ha! Gotcha. Don’t do that.

For a more realistic guide to good life choices, see the sequel to this post.

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