While Trying to Keep Emotionally Stable
(based on a true story)
The Thrilling Sequel to How To Dye Your Hair.
So you got teary-eyed waiting in line for California Pizza Kitchen at the student center. That’s okay! At least there were no wildabeast-like sobs. No one noticed how, in your attempt to cover up said tearing, you managed to smear your eyeliner all the way to your left earlobe. Your bad-[sass] street cred is still somewhat intact. Really, stud!
It helps that you dyed your hair pink. Not just because other people like it, but because when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the reflection of a window or that particularly shiny trashcan in front of your office, you think, “Wow, there goes a sparkling unicorn with a horn of strength and rainbows.”
There are tough moments. You have to think of witty yet vague answers to the question of what spurred the decision to cartoon-color your hair. You still have homework to do. You run out of Kettle One.
But luckily, I have found a way to keep that hair vibrant. And it doesn’t even involve larceny and/or sacrificial ceremonies. Here, step into my office, and I will show you my secret:
Yes, I took pictures of myself in the shower. It’s kind of embarrassing for you to see me in such a vulnerable state, sporting that wet dog look sans make-up, but this is for your well being, and that matters more to me than my own dignity.
First of all, do not eat the hair products. Cotton Candy Pink sounds delicious, but I have a hunch it will make you vom a bit. Resist the temptation, and instead, mix the hair dye in with the conditioner you use every day, or every other day … once a week? Once a year? Don’t get defensive! I don’t care how much you shower. No judgment here!
After shampooing, put the conditioner ALL THROUGH YOUR HAIRS as you normally would. Leave it in for two Adele songs and one very emotional rendition of “I Will Always Love You.” (Can be substituted for two Les Miserablés songs, bonus points for singing multiple roles in multiple genders in multiple voices.)
Like I mentioned in my post about Dyeing Your Hair, cold water is supposed to be better for keeping the dye and your hair committed. Cold water reminds me of crying, so I usually cheat and keep my water hot.
Okay, this is getting emotional! Time to get the [truck] out of my shower, sherbert!
Now that you have successfully revamped your hair, and therefore your entire life (obviously), learn new ways to style the [shiv] out of it! Buy a curling iron. Leave it on for an entire afternoon by accident. Read online reviews of hair gel. Buy three kinds on Amazon and then cancel your order because hair gel should be left to Justin Timberlake.
Although, you should probably stop tickling strangers.
One of these days, someone is going to sue.