when you are emotionally unstable
(based on a true story)
So let’s say someone has broken your heart. Or you didn’t get the job you wanted. Or you keep reading about how this is the last season of 30 Rock.
You hurt, right? You need to let your feelings out but you don’t want to send any mean tweets, contact any ex-boyfriends, or stalk down Tina Fey and hold her close until the authorities tear you away.
Dye your hair! Why not? You can always dye it a different color! And people will be commenting on it all day, so you won’t feel as much fervent need to leave voice mails of yourself sobbing to all your friends and family.
Here is a photo play-by-play on how to dye your hair PINK while emotionally unstable:
First, buy all of your supplies. Don’t bother reading any directions; base your plan of attack on a YouTube video you watched two years ago. Set up all the dye in your bathroom on your white counter-top. Make sure your toothbrush is nearby for maximum suffering.
Put Toner in your hair. Toner is supposed to take all of the yellow out of bleached hair so that you have a fresh palette for your new color. It is very strong and should be well monitored. You will know it’s working once your hair starts falling out.
While you are waiting for the Toner to work, allow yourself to have a Dark Moment. After all, you are dyeing your hair because you are miserable. It will only be a temporary distraction from how much your life sucks right now.
Get impatient. Decide to put the Pink Dye in while the Toner is still doing its work. Only let yourself be terrified of how bright it is for 45 seconds. Any longer than that, and you will accidentally go back to hating yourself.
After realizing you don’t have any gloves or salon tools whatsoever, use your hands to put the dye all over your pathetic little head. This is a great time to post a picture of yourself onto Instagram so all h8rs and ex-boyfriends can see that you are super cool and ready for your life to change in a positive way. In the process, make sure to get pink dye on all of your most prized possessions, especially your iPad and family heirlooms.
Let yourself cry for a minute. It will make the dye seep faster.
Okay, stop crying! Drink instead! So what if it is 11:00 AM? Remember how you can’t stop crying once you start and you don’t want your face to match your hair.
Waiting is the hard part. You can blow dry your hair if you want an extra frazzled look. Most bottles will say to leave the color in for 30 minutes. Most YouTube videos will say to leave it in for 3 hours. I left mine in for 73 minutes and two whiskey shots. You do what feels right for you.
When you are ready, rinse out with cold water. 1.) Because cold water will help the dye settle, and 2.) Because cold showers are awful.
Afterwards, admire your craftsmanship and thank the hair dye gods that your locks didn’t turn orange (again). It’s okay to feel a little smug. You have complete control over your life and your emotions. It’s good to remember that you are beautiful (once you put makeup on).
This will last exactly how long it takes to write a blog post on how to dye your hair when emotionally unstable. After that, you will be back to this:
Good luck in your dyeing endeavors! I’d love to hear about your experiences in a comment or a Howler.
P.S. For this transformation, I used Manic Panic Cotton Candy Pink! I’ve been using their products for years (particularly their amazing bleach kits), and give them five unicorns up!
P.P.S. For Tips on Maintenance, check out How To Keep Your Hair Pink.