Anatomy of a Birthday Card

In the era of fancy birthday parties, back when goody bags were a must and you had to invited all the girls in your class, my parents were really kind about buying presents. When I think about how many birthday presents they bought for brats that I only liked for about five minutes in 3rd grade, I get kind of misty-eyed. We should have just bought a boat.

But even though my parents let me buy my little fwiends gifts from Limited Too (which is too expensive for me, as a fake adult), they always made me draw my own birthday cards.  Maybe “made” is a strong word. They simply didn’t buy birthday cards. So I either folded up a piece of construction paper and drew some bubble letters on it, or risked looking like a huge douchebag for giving the birthday girl  a poorly wrapped t-shirt with absolutely no personal message.

Luckily, I love making birthday cards. This week was my dad’s birthday, so I thought I would post what I sent him.


Does it matter that this is not only completely unoriginal, but also looks like a five year old drew it? No. Because I made it super realistic and cut out a bite mark on the side. Bam. So real.

I also recommend having a punchline for the inside of the card ready. My dad and I share a fondness for a stuffed cat I have. He used to make up stories about all the trouble she would get in, and so:
See! Get it?! Our favorite master of destruction, the stuffed cat named Mitzy, totally made this birthday card her snack! This is like seeing Titanic in 3D all over again!

Remember to write your feelings on the inside of a card. Or at least one feeling. Otherwise, your card will just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY three times in different color markers. And no one wants that. No one.

Have a little fun with envelopes, too. Why? Because YOLO.

No questioning who this is from!

There is no wrong way to make a good birthday card, just a lot of right ways to make an absolutely terrible birthday card. Follow your heart!

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