Sporknotes: Black Swan

This time last year, I tried to get a blog off the ground that would do what spark notes does: explain things you should probably know as a “cultured” human being in an understandable way. Except Sporknotes, my poor little brainchild, would be so much more! I had plans to sum up current events, movies, mythologies, languages, artworks, historical events — pretty much anything. It turns out that explaining everything in an entertaining way is really freakin’ hard. And time consuming. Especially, if you want your facts to be correct.

Anyway, even though that blog didn’t work out, I do have some pieces left from the aftermath, and I would love to share them once in a while. I found this gem, which was to be labeled SPORKNOTES DRUNK EDITION because what is cooler than summarizing things? Summarizing them while intoxicated!

So, this is a drunk account of the movie Black Swan as transcribed by my patient, brilliant brother.

Natalie Portman was uncomfortable skinny in this movie.

(Spoiler Alert: Drunk me is fairly detailed, so if you haven’t seen the movie … you are SO behind. Just don’t bother. Read this instead.)

Black Swan

First there is a dream, or at least we think it is a dream, and it’s Natalie Portman, but she is a ballerina.  But there is this big black feathered guy following her but it’s just a dream because then she wakes up and she eats a grapefruit and a poached egg.  And her mom is there and she’s like, “you better do a good job today” and Nina, who is Natalie Portman, well she is like, “yeah I’ve been around a long time and Thomas is going to feature me.” When Nina gets to practice and her hair looks really neat (important) they do warm ups but then Thomas touches a bunch of girls on the shoulder (not gross just on the shoulder, its fine).  And then he says that their main ballerina is retiring and everyone who didn’t get touched (including Nina) is auditioning for Swan Lake.  Nina is nervous because she wants to be perfect, but is also proud because she has been there forever, and is really skinny.

Then they get to audition and Nina dances the white swan really well but then she also has to dance the black swan which is kind of like dancing to Shakira.  Then Lily comes in and Lily is Mila Kunis and she is really pretty but she doesn’t care about ballet as much as Nina does. Nina messes up.  Thomas doesn’t care.  Nina doesn’t think she is going to get the part so she goes home and breaks hers toenail. Then she puts her hair down and puts on some lipstick…that she stole.  And then she goes to talk to Thomas and is like, “why didn’t you give me the part?”  And he says Veronica got it.  Then he wants to know if she can play the black swan so he kisses her but she bites him. Ouch.

So then she goes and stretches.  And she says, “Congratulations Veronia :(.”  Then Veronica goes and checks the cast list and she goes back and she tells Nina that she is a stupid bitch.  Then Natalie Portman goes and checks the cast list and gets hugged a lot, therefore we can conclude that she got a good part.  Nina goes home and somehow her mom found out about the part (probably from ghosts) and says congrats I got you something that will ruin your career…it’s a cake!!  Nina refuses to eat it so her mom gets mad and almost throws it in the trash can but Nina pretends it’s okay.  Thanks to great editing skills we don’t know if she actually eats it.

Then Nina has to start practicing, and Mila Kunis smokes cigarettes instead.  Meanwhile Wynona Rider has sticks in the legs and a big cut on her face because she jumped in front of a car after the big party where the company announced that Nina would be the swan princess and Winona Rider would be retiring.  Nina sees this and almost throws up her cake. Natalie Portman touches herself.

Lily sees that Nina is stressed out so she shows up at her house to be like, “Sorry Nina I told the director that you are a wimp.”  Nina might have schizophrenia but instead of dealing with it she goes out to party with Lily who puts a pill in her drink but promises that it will only last a few hours.  Then Nina blinks and when she comes to she is making out with some guy in a bathroom (which is gross), so her and Mila Kunis go in a taxi away.  And then there is this thing and Nina goes home and there is this thing and her mom is there and so it Mila Kunis but her mom is really mad so she makes out with Mila Kunis who is actually Natalie Portman who is actually Mila Kunis ….

When Nina wakes up it’s really late and she is alone.  She goes to dress rehearsal and she sees that Lily is dancing her part way better so she is like where were you last night and Lily is like, “You’re in love with mequestionmark” and Nina is like, “No I kind of like Thomas.”  Then there is more rehearsing.

Fast forward.  It is opening night.  Nina goes to visit Wynona Rider.  Wynona Rider responds by stabbing herself in the face. It’s gross.  I looked away. Then, Natalie Portman fist fights her mom and goes to opening night even though she scratched herself a lot and may or may not be turning into a bird.

She opens the show and sucks.  She sees Mila Kunis flirting like a ho and then falls out of a lift with her future baby daddy. Then, when she is in her dressing room, Mila Kunis visits her and is like I should dance, you suck.  So Natalie Portman breaks a mirror and stabs her in the abdomen.  Mila Kunis does a really good job of spitting up blood.  Right before Natalie Portman has to dance the part of the black swan, Mila Kunis dies of blood loss and then Natalie stuffs her body in a shower. Then Natalie Portman kicks some ass as a black swan/ turns into a swan.  Thank you CGI.  Then when she comes off stage she kisses Thomas and he is like, “Ew you’re a girl.”  But she takes a second bow which is called an encore.

So then she goes back into her dressing room to turn back into the white swan because it has to commit suicide which is ironic.  She sees a lot of blood around the shower door, so she puts a towel on it.  There is a knock at the door.  It’s Mila Kunis who says Nina did a really good job.  So then Nina checks the shower where she thought she put Mila Kunis’s body. But it is empty, and there is no blood.  Then she looks in the mirror, and realizes what a dumb ass she is.  Yes, she stabbed herself.

She puts some make up on and we all think, WTF.  Nina dances the final number the best she has ever done.  So then at the end of Swan Lake, the main character throws herself off the cliff.  Nina sees her mom and her director, and throws herself off a cliff in slow motion, which is weird.  Everyone gathers around and is like, “Great job.”  Nina sees Mila Kunis and Mila Kunis is like, “that was really great oh shit you are bleeding everywhere.”  Thomas is also like, “what did you do?”  And Nina only says that was perfect and she smiles really creepily.  And then everything goes white assuming that either Natalie Portman died or that she wasn’t crazy after all or that she really did turn into a swan.

Now wasn’t that fun? If you have any suggestions for future Sporknotes, leave a comment below!


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